


Not doing this alone

by themoonowl



Series: A Real Hero [31]
Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Crisis of Faith, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mass Effect 3, Muslim Character, Prayer, Thessia (Mass Effect)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-14 11:28:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,501
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29541681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/themoonowl/pseuds/themoonowl
Relationships: Kaidan Alenko/Male Shepard
Series: A Real Hero [31]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1429021
Comments: 8
Kudos: 10





	Not doing this alone

The dim red light of the Engineering subdeck met Samed’s eyes, the whirr of the Normandy’s engine amplifying as it passed through the various pipes and columns. It wasn't the cargo hold in the old Normandy—nothing could ever be—but it was the only spot that offered some kind of solace.

That and his cabin, now way more personal since the days of slaving away for Cerberus. But it wasn't just his cabin now, he shared it with a very sweet man. A very worried man. Too worried. He shouldn't be. Not for a failure like him.

Thessia hung over Samed's thoughts like a cloud, a sense of prickling and utter _wrong_ growing in his stomach as he paced back and forth through the tiny space. Finally he glanced to his right, to the flurry of pipes and columns, and among them—a thin patch of steel railing leading to a powerbox for the lights in this place.

An image appeared, a thought, _that kid back on Earth, the basement back on—_ he shook his head and slid inside, turned, and sat on his knees, the back of his head resting against the metal casing, the engine's burr gently massaging his shoulders and back.

He closed his eyes and exhaled, feeling the vibrations of _a Reaper walking above them—devils—_ he opened his eyes, that feeling of _wrong_ in his stomach growing stronger as he overlooked the redness of the subdeck from below.

 _Red like the Reaper's beam on Rannoch, on Tuchanka, that hellish sound—_ he pressed both hands on his temples and leaned forward. His chest became tight, his stomach began to turn.

The engine's whirr below him, around him. It reminded of. _Of_ _a Call._ A Call he hadn't answered since—

_Blood from a bullet hole in Maama’s head, hair the color of her garden flowers now mixed with black and dark red, Baaba scrambling to find his gun as blood trailed down his leg, fear in his dark eyes, teeth clenched under a dark mustache._

Samed blinked, a tightness gripped his chest, the pipes and columns around him blurry. Why those memories? Why now? Why this feeling of—

He shifted, left, right, it all felt wrong, something felt wrong, so wrong, wrong, wrong, _wrong. My people had stopped believing in devils. They changed their minds when the Reapers arrived._

Samed took a shivering breath. Exhaled. He sat on his knees, eyes closed, a familiar pose. A shaky but also calming and soothing silence rose inside him and around him. And a question.

 _Is this what You wanted?_

Teeth clenched, tears running down his cheeks. Just a young boy looking at the minaret, hurting.

Alone. 

_Is this what You wanted?_

His head wasn't turned down now, it wasn't a prayer—a prayer felt wrong, a prayer _hurt._ A prayer meant family, meant Mindoir, meant—it wasn't important now. His question was.

_Is this what You wanted?_

Asking it hurt too, it burned, it ached, it didn't make the _wrong_ in his stomach go away—hell, it made it worse, he was that teenage boy again, _alone in that morning breeze, alone with hundreds of others around him, hurting._ Pain shot through his temples as he clenched his teeth even harder. 

Alone.

 _Is this what You wanted,_ because he needed to know, to understand. _Blood on Mindoir, blood on Elysium, blood on Earth, Palaven, Thessia, blood, so much blood, so wrong,_ it made no sense.

He wasn't angry, but. It made no sense. All of it. All that blood. All that death.

 _All that death,_ his fingers twitched, like overloaded wires.

 _Suffocating, grasping for air, for life, a call of death,_ _is this what—_

Samed opened his eyes, his throat tight with short, desperate gasps of air, the engine's whirr, the only sound around him. Thoughts spun, fingers twitched, lungs ached with the memory. _Space, darkness, he writhed and._ He needed air. There wasn't any in this place, he gasped to no avail. _The nothingness of the cosmos draining what life was left and._

And.

_A square face with amber eyes, the neon lights of the Wards reflected in them. A smile aimed at him, an unspoken promise to meet again and—_

Samed finally took a breath. A normal breath. His throat loosened just a bit, his lungs gave way for just a bit of air.

 _They did meet again._ He was alive. He was alive...to stop the Reapers. _And he failed._

 _He failed._ Heavy gasps left his lips in sobs.

 _He failed,_ sobs that lasted for God knows how long before another sound joined them, faint, careful thuds—footsteps that trailed down the stairs. Then legs appeared in the dim red light, military uniform, well toned, they had a little swagger to them as they moved. Finally that same square face came into view as his sweet worried man, his Major, sat opposite him, amber eyes meeting his. 

Followed by a gravelly, very carefully said, "Hey."

*******

Samed's eyes glistened in the dark. "Hey," he said back, but it wasn't his normal deep voice. It was now shaky, trembling, terrified even. "I'm—"

"Shh. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. But." Kaidan sighed. "Just know that I'm here, okay? Whatever you need."

"You don't have to do this." The spark in Samed’s eyes trembled.

"That's where you're wrong. I do. Not letting go, remember? That means this, right here."

"I'm giving you a way out, then. You don't have to."

It was like someone kicked him right in the heart. It wasn't like his guy to say that. It was still him though, still Samed. But. Crap. Seeing him like this—well he couldn't see him. Not really. His face was hidden in the dark, only his eyes had that glow to them as they glistened. As they hurt. He'd never seen him like this before, like. 

Like back on Horizon. Like when he turned himself in, that news footage. Kaidan wasn't there for him back then, but now, well, "I _want_ to, damnit."

Silence as Samed's eyes closed in the dark. Kaidan got up and put one foot on the steel rail. Then another. And managed to push himself inside, somehow. Man, it was cramped.

"You'll get stuck that way."

"Guess I’ll be stuck here with you, then. Oh, whatever shall I do." There was a faint smile on Samed's lips, at least from what Kaidan could see in the dark, followed by a head shake.

Samed sighed, got up, turned him over and pulled him down by the shoulders. Kaidan now sat on the steel railing facing the subdeck and Samed sat behind him, his arms wrapped tightly around his chest. He whispered a faint "Stubborn ass" in his ear as he rested his head on his shoulder, his curls gently brushing Kaidan's neck and ears.

"Heh, yeah. I'm the stubborn one here."

"Who else would get himself stuck just for a dumb, worthless man?"

"Someone not very smart, sure. But my situation's a lot different. See, I'm stuck here because of a very special guy. He's smart, brilliant even. He's a Spectre saving the galaxy—as you do." There was a faint chuckle that bounced off the bowels of the subdeck, followed by Samed's arms around him tightening ever so slightly. Kaidan smirked to himself in the darkness and continued. "He's easy on the eyes, too. Great ass, if I may say so myself." The chuckle became just a bit louder. "And, get this, with all those things he has going on, he gets up every morning and just. Makes me coffee. Can you believe that? Huh. Quite the catch, I'd say."

Kaidan heard a sigh behind him and a warm hand turned his head, his lips meeting Samed's, his senses filling with that smoky smell he always had.

Then chocolate brown eyes met his. Samed had that look now, that same tortured look he had back on Horizon. And when he turned himself in. Those eyes became hazy, glistened in the dim red light as they looked at him, as Samed looked at him. He started to tremble, his special guy, and something broke inside Kaidan at the sight. He placed a hand on Samed's face and he closed his eyes and clenched his teeth, a stray tear landing on Kaidan’s thumb that he gently brushed away.

Samed tightened his arms around him as his shivers became stronger and accompanied by heavy gasps. Kaidan held him tight too—one hand on his arms, another cupped the back of his head, his face pressed to Kaidan’s neck. 

"I'm here," Kaidan kept whispering. "I'll always be here. You're not doing this alone, Samed." He gently rocked his special guy in the red-lit bowels of the Normandy as his sobs filled the tiny space.

It didn't feel like enough. But right now, it was all he could do. Just hold him. Be there. And honestly, there was no other place he could be.


End file.
